Apologies
by VickiAnnette
Summary: What if Jonas never left his community? What if he eventually got paired with Fiona as his spouse? What sort of struggles come with being the new Receiver, the only person who remembers, who sees beyond...
1. Worry

He considered it a miracle that the Elders had paired him with Fiona. Of all the women in the community, he'd lucked out with having his childhood best friend as his spouse. He hadn't been as close with either Fiona or Asher in the last few years. He could pinpoint it to sometime around their thirteenth year, after they had finished their individual job training and slowly immersed themselves in their new careers. There was not as much time for hanging out like they used to. It was especially difficult for Jonas as his life began taking on a whole new vibrancy and meaning. Every day, every experience was rich with color and emotion. It was all so exciting in the beginning, with the Giver walking him through each memory...

Eventually, though, the excitement wore off and he was left with an enormous burden, a bitter knowledge that he was now isolated from everyone else in his community because of how he saw the world. He would forever be alone. As hard as he tried to return to regular conversations and normal social interactions, he would find himself saying something out of the ordinary or not responding the way he should. His friends found him changed, acting strange. He would sometimes space out, overcome with a specific memory, and forget what he was talking about or even who he was talking to. The Giver's company eased the heaviness a little, but the loneliness was slowly driving him to insanity.

When his group turned twenty, the age when spouses were chosen, Jonas knew he would never be able to completely share his life with the person chosen for him. The weeks prior to the ceremony, his anxiety grew. He was plagued with memories of couples, weddings, various acts of love and intimacy. He was tortured by the fact that he was the only one in his family unit that could truly love them, that neither his parents nor Lily could ever return such an emotion. He was terrified of falling in love with his spouse only to be inevitably disappointed because his spouse could not love.

But oh how happy his heart was when Fiona's name appeared next to his own at the ceremony. His eyes found hers immediately and he could see the relief in her smile as they made their way towards each other. He found himself regretting distancing himself from her the past few years, wondering what course her life had taken since they'd last spoken. Although when he thought about it, everything in the community was so thoroughly planned out that he doubted Fiona's life had altered much since they'd been thirteen. Still, he thought, this whole life partner thing would be so much easier with someone he'd grown up with, someone as kind and caring as Fiona.

He had wished there could be a ceremony like those in his memories, wished they could stand at an altar, with Fiona in a beautiful white dress and himself in a dark suit, surrounded by their family and friends. He wished he could stare into her beautiful blue eyes (if only she knew what amazing shade of blue they were), wished he could recite his vows, and lean over to kiss her... But spouses never engaged in such activity, never even held hands. Sure, they shared the same bed, but there was no such thing as cuddling or hugging between them, let alone kissing of any kind.

He had no idea how difficult life would become for him BECAUSE it was Fiona that was chosen. He already had a strong connection with her from his past, now it only began to grow day by day. He couldn't help getting excited at the thought of building a family with her, of seeing her first thing in the morning and last thing every evening. It didn't help that she was incredibly attractive (he'd always thought so growing up). He hadn't taken injections in years and he was scared that, with his soul so raw and constantly exposed, Fiona would eventually find it too difficult to live with him. He had explained to her from the start that he was different, that his job required him not to take injections and, as a result, he would sometimes act strangely. Fiona nodded, understanding as she always was, and expected such oddity in his behavior. She didn't ask questions when he would wake up in the night screaming or crying, haunted by memories. She would ask him if he was alright, thinking at first he was ill. He tried to explain he was having something called a nightmare, but she didn't know what he was talking about. He wished she could know, could hug and comfort him when the memories were too much. But although she was naturally a sensitive soul, it was unfair to expect such a response from her.

He loved watching her get dressed in the mornings, loved how she laughed when he tried to be funny, loved how she would smile at him when she came home from work...

She had just entered through the door and given him a greeting when he suddenly approached her and embraced her with a hug.

 _The Giver had given him a memory of a husband who lost his wife in a car accident. The feeling of loss created a gaping hole inside of Jonas, he couldn't shake off the emotion all day._

Fiona stood rigidly in his arms, too shocked to respond. Jonas closed his eyes tight, breathing in the smell of her, trying to steady his shaky breathing.

 _"Will I see her in all my memories from now on?" The memory had just faded and left Jonas feeling strangely cold. There was a weariness in his voice as he questioned his friend. The Giver said nothing, recognizing the tremulous fear in Jonas' eyes, knowing what it was like to be haunted._

"Are you well, Jonas?" Fiona asked as she pulled away from him, reaching up to feel his forehead with the back of her fingers, the feeling cool on his skin. He didn't know how to silence the raging thoughts running through his mind and form a coherent sentence. She waited for him to speak, brushing aside some of the hair that fell onto his brow. Such a small act, she had probably done it absentmindedly. It meant nothing to her, but Jonas was surprised at how caring and intimate it felt to him.

"I'm so happy you're alive." He started saying, then swallowed. He had to be more precise with his language. "I'm sorry, I just... I very much enjoy your presence." Even that was still pushing it. Fiona tilted her head to the side, a faint smile on her lips as she listened patiently. He let out a sigh. "I was just thinking what my life would be like if something...tragic were to happen to you and you were taken from me so early on in our marriage..." He bit his lip and closed his eyes as the memory came full force again.

"What a strange thought... But Jonas, why should anything like that happen to me? Why would you think such a thing?" She asked, sounding worried. He hadn't meant to trouble her, rubbing the side of her arm, hoping it would reassure her. When he opened his mouth, nothing came out. He hated this, hated the ever present isolation that distanced him from everyone he cared about.

"I wish you could tell me what you do as the Receiver." She spoke softly. He could detect hurt in her voice. He wished he could tell her too, didn't know if he could handle living this way for the rest of his life, slowly dying inside.

"I can't... But even if I did, it would be impossible for you to understand."

She lowered her gaze to the ground and nodded, stepping around him to put her bag on a nearby table.

"I apologize for embracing you." He said to the empty space in front of him.

"Jonas..." Fiona thought for a moment, then sighed. "I accept your apology." She said quietly before heading upstairs.


	2. Confusion

He was experiencing another nightmare, panting, twisting and turning, grumbling under his breath. Fiona, eyes still shut from heavy slumber, reached over to place a hand on his arm, rubbing it in a similar fashion he had done to her a while back. He woke immediately, watching her sleeping form, wondering at and relishing in the feel of her soft hand touching his skin. She didn't know what she was doing exactly, and that's when he suddenly understood. That comfort through touch, that touch itself was instinctive, subconscious almost, primal. It was subdued all these years through the morning injections, but people could learn again. He knew that now as he watched Fiona's face glowing in the moonlight that snuck in through their window.

At first, Jonas' small acts surprised her. Like the morning she awoke and felt his arms hugging her frame as he continued sleeping. She extricated herself from his grasp carefully so as not to wake him and wondered why he had done this. She figured maybe he had another nightmare of some sort and perhaps this was his way of coping with the pain he constantly felt. So she shrugged it off.

Soon, there were more and more mornings of waking up to the feeling of his strong hands wrapped around her, his presence warm and safe, his smell musky. She tried to understand how this made her feel but all she kept coming back to was the newborns she took care of each and every day. Babies that needed care, touch, and affection in order to grow properly. But once they matured, they no longer needed these things as much. So how was Jonas capable of making her feel like a newborn craving such basic needs? She shook the thought away, deciding to attribute his strange behavior to his work as the Receiver.

There were other things he did too that she had trouble explaining. Like when she would be leaning over the sink, washing plates, and he would come up behind her to ask if she needed any help, his hand resting lightly on the small of her back. Or when he helped unbutton the back of her work shirt when she would get ready for bed at night. He would move her long hair out of the way, his fingers brushing the nape of her neck as her hair fell over her shoulder, the small touch making her shiver involuntarily. There were even days when he showed up at the nursing center with a bouquet of flowers he'd picked from the gardens for her. She'd keep the flowers in a vase in her office, staring at them, growing more confused by the day. She didn't know how to respond to such actions, wasn't sure what they were supposed to mean.

* * *

They were discussing feelings over dinner one evening. Jonas always had trouble with this part of the day. Sometimes he'd decide to share his feelings with her, other times he'd opt for simply staying silent and listening to her talk. Today he shared how he got to visit Lily at her workplace and how happy it made him to reconnect with his sister. Fiona tried to smile as she thought about why Jonas would go to visit a family member. Members of their community rarely ever kept in touch with their parents or siblings once they grew up and had family units of their own.

"How was _your_ day, dear?" He asked, using that odd and antiquated term of endearment that just added to the confusion building up inside her. She was getting a little frustrated and she didn't even know why.

"My day was..." She picked at the remainder of her food. "It was, uh, good..." She stopped herself, knowing that she was close to lying. Jonas and his strange behavior had been on her mind all day. She looked up to see him standing before her, reaching for her plate.

"Are you finished with your food? I'll take your plate." He offered with a kind smile. She nodded and handed it to him, following him to the kitchen. "What else happened today? I apologize for interrupting you." He asked, urging her to continue. She leaned against the wall with her hands crossed in front of her, watching him wash the plates and put them away.

"I accept your apology." She mumbled, lost in thought. "I'll be honest with you, Jonas. I've been feeling very... confused lately."

"How so?" He asked, drying his hands on a towel. He approached her and leaned closer, using the towel to wipe away a remainder of food from the corner of her mouth. She blinked at him, adding this to the list of his odd behavior.

" _You_ confuse me, Jonas. You do things like _that_ and I... I don't know how to react." He opened his mouth to respond but she put her hand up to stop him. "I know you've mentioned this is all because of your work as the new Receiver and I'm trying my best to be understanding. I just wish..." She sighed, closing her eyes and rubbing her forehead. She felt him take her other hand in his and opened her eyes to see him standing closer.

"Do you really want to understand me?" He asked, desperation in his eyes. She nodded at him earnestly. "I think I know of a way for you to glimpse my world." He spoke at a whisper and she wondered what he meant by "his world". Surely it couldn't be so different from her own. "Stop taking your morning injections."

She took a step back.

"What?!"

He shushed her, hoping that the cameras in their house wouldn't pick up on their conversation.

"Trust me, Fiona. If you stop taking your injections, you'll be able to feel how I feel. You'll get a glimpse of the life everyone has been robbed of."

"What are you talking about? Do you know what you're asking? I can't stop taking my injections, it's illegal. Besides, the machine would know that I've skipped."

"Use an apple, like I do. The machine can't tell the difference." He urged her.

"Jonas, I don't know. I don't want to get caught-" She stopped mid sentence as he bent down to kiss her cheek. She froze, trying to comprehend the bizarre feel of his lips on her skin. What did he just do? She had never seen anyone do something like this.

"I apologize-" He started to say when he saw how uncomfortable she was.

"What was that?" She asked softly.

"It's called a kiss." He took both her hands in his. "And I so want you to understand it like I do. If you skip your morning injections, you will."

She stared at him, dumbfounded. Jonas was worried that he'd finally taken it too far. That tomorrow she would request to be separated from him and leave for good. He worried that the Elders would be looking through the cameras and find out what he'd done, that he'd be taken away and released.

"Okay." One simple word from her mouth and his fears were momentarily silenced.

"Okay." He echoed with a grin on his face.


End file.
